What The Bleep I Thought I Knew About Myself

I received the documentary / movie “What The Bleep Do We Know” a good two months ago, but never got round to watching it. This, I am pretty sure, also falls into place with the principles of Celestine Prophecy. It is no coincidence that I never had the time to watch it then. Now is the time that my life and frame of mind is in the right place to receive the message carried in it. Had I watched it earlier, it might have been completely lost on me. Last night I found it difficult to fall asleep and thought a movie would do the trick and after flipping through a few decided on this one. BOY AM I GLAD!!!

Initially I thought “I would never be able to follow this. Quantum Physics + Me = certain disaster!” However, I am not a quitter and decided to keep watching. My next reaction was “Oh, this is boring!”, but still I kept watching. Next thing I know I’m sitting here crying my eyes out with no inkling of an idea as to why. So confusing!?! I paused the movie, went back 10 minutes and listened to the section again, and again, and again and then once more. Then the penny dropped! I am so inspired and everything is crystal clear.

I have always thought of myself to be a confident person, not arrogant and certainly humble, loyal and compassionate. What I unfortunately did not realise (up to this point) is how I have allowed people to abuse these character traits combined with my fears (which I did not know existed) and walk all over me.

My past has left me with certain emotional scars, which I thought I had dealt with. After all, if I am not sitting there moping about it and feeling sorry for myself day in and day out, then I must have dealt with it right? WRONG!!!!! I have been living my life in fear and have allowed this to control my life. In a sense, I think this is worse than moping about what happened. I have, in fact, been deceiving myself for a number of years, believing that I am doing OK, while I was totally mindfxxxxxxxx myself by allowing the fear to control me, without realising it.

A very good friend asked me a while back what I am afraid of. I could not answer and shrugged it off. I honestly did not know what I was afraid of, just knew that I had this mind boggling, body numbing fear that controlled each and every decision I made. I always thought this to be my conscience, steering me in the right direction. How wrong I was!

My fears that I have carried with me are:

1. Fear of confrontation. I always shy away from confrontation. I always bow out gracefully with a smile and a nod and “You know what, maybe you are right”. Whenever someone raises his / her voice, I immediately back down, regardless of whether I am right or wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I have temper, which I lose from time to time, but you really need to make me feel like a lioness being pushed into a matchbox before I’ll react.

2. Fear of rejection / not being good enough. I suffer from the constant “I am not thin enough / tall enough / funny enough / smart enough / pretty enough / sexy enough to have this or that in my life – syndrome”. I now realise of how many great things I have denied myself. Whenever I could not get what I really, really wanted with all my being, I wrote it down to “it’s just not my time yet”.

Well Hello World! Consider this a fair warning:

I AM FAR FROM OLD, I AM HERE, I AM WORTHY, THIS IS MY TIME AND I WILL GET IT!

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Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. On a quest to find my happy-ever-after, I am in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you!

4 thoughts on “What The Bleep I Thought I Knew About Myself”

    1. Thanks Susan. It is amazing what we can discover about ourselves when we open our minds to different points of view, consider them, rethink them and apply them. I have undergone tremendous changes in my way of thinking and looking at the world in the last 8 or so months and can’t wait to see what I will discover next! Like Shrek said: I’m an onion and have only discovered the first couple of layers, so many more to come!

    1. Dankie! Opwindend ja maar nie scary. Wat ek nou besef het is dat wanneer iets scary is, staan terug en kyk hoekom dit scary is. Sodra jy die hoekom kan begryp kom die oplossing maklik. Deur jouself te omring met vriende, boekie en movies wat jou intelektueel en emotioneel uitdaag om verder te dink as waaraan jy gewoond is, is die enigste manier om te groei as ‘n persoon. Sonder groei kan mens nie voluit leef nie.

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