It’s funny how the mind works, how we can in an instant recognize when we are true to ourselves. I read today’s prompt and before I even had time to think about it, I already knew the answer.
Early May 2002 – I was 25 and heavily pregnant when I had a
bit of total breakdown. I was sobbing to my mother “I can’t do this! I can’t be someone’s mother! How will I know what he wants, what he needs. I can’t do this! I am going to mess it up and Social Services will take him away” Very calmly, my mother laughed at me and told me to relax, it would all work out. Just to put you in the picture, I am (sort of) a control-freak. I never go into a situation without knowing the facts, the possible consequences and all possible solutions. This was just absolutely too much for me. With having no idea what to expect, I could not prepare and for me that was a total guarantee of failure.
Early June 2002 – The room was ready, the tiny little clothes all washed and packed away. My mother had traveled all the way from the Free State to be with me, while my Dad had traveled all the way from Cape Town. It was time for the long awaited little man to make his appearance. 2 Weeks later my Dad decided to return to Cape Town, not very happy with the little man deciding to stay put for a while longer. My (then) husband suddenly had to leave to go work in a different country and I was left with no other alternative but to go back to the Free State with my mom. NOT a happy puppy!!! It turned out to be a huge blessing in disguise. We were planning a home birth. Read on to discover why that would not have worked out.
Late June 2002 – Our little man is now 3 weeks overdue. Doctors tell me to relax, apparently it happens from time to time that they get the due date wrong. I am in full panic mode – I am already failing!
4 July 2002 – Doctors visit shows that they would not do induce labor the next day. Well, let me tell you, I panicked myself into labor that evening, no doctor’s needed.
5 July 2002 – at 8am my mom and I report at hospital. I will skip all the other details of the day and just tell you that by 7pm it became clear that an Emergency C-Section was required. No time for epidural, so I was out cold. Turns out I could never do the natural birth thing and we would both have died without a C-Section!
6 July 2002 – I wake up dazed and confused, panic hits: WHERE IS MY CHILD!? When they eventually tell me that he will be brought to me within a couple of minutes, I start panicking all over again. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT?
This tiny little thing is set down in front of me on the bed and tears well up.
I KNEW he was thirsty
I KNEW he needed a change of clothes
I KNEW he needed a cuddle
When I first held my Little Luka in my arms – that was success.
Everyday he tells me that he loves me – that is success.
Seeing the little man that he is becoming – that is success.