Dumb@ss I am, yet still I will believe

I’ve been struggling with something for a couple of days. Doing that age old dance I know so well, one that I have done a million times. I step left with reason and take two steps back with anger and fear. One step to the right with doubt in the situation and then two steps forward with hope and believe. Ending it all with a step to the right as self doubt says hello and we have come full circle. Ready to start all over again.

Earlier today a friend posted this quote on Facebook:

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I shared it with the following comment:

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Then I received the Daily Prompt. My mind immediately jumped to a conclusion: Love, I believe in love. Always have and always will. Being who I am, however, I silenced that voice with a “let’s first listen to the song before we go ahead and write about love again, shall we?”. Boy, what a mistake! Here I am on my couch, snot en trane, because I still believe and it hurts. Everytime I get hurt I turn the other cheek and look for a reason to believe. I look for that spark of hope that it is not what it seems. Man, I wish I could just say I don’t care about that stupid little thing called love. But I do and if that is wrong, then let me be wrong day after day, year in and year out. Let me be wrong until I have found my forever man. Let me be wrong until I am old and wrinkled and grey with my love by my side.

I refuse to believe that there is no happy ever after. I’m not saying all sunshine and roses – a real relationship takes work, lots of work, from both parties – but it can be happy ever after.

I refuse to believe that there is no-one out there for me. Someone that with love me and accept me and respect me and challenge me and push me to higher limit and make me laugh and make me mad and make my cry with joy and hold me when I am sad. Someone who will be my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my partner in crime, my protector when I need and my backup when I stand my ground.

I refuse to believe that there is no one out there who can look beyond the body and see that I have a brain and a strong will. I refuse to believe that there is no one out there who won’t be intimidated by my drive or intelligence. I refuse to believe that there is no one out there who can handle my sensitive side as much as they can handle me when I am running on all thrusters and ready to conquer the world.

I refuse to believe that everyone out there lies and cheats and hurts you to only serve their own needs.

Plainly put, I refuse to believe that there are no good guys left.

A friend told me: “Don’t be a pessimist about love, just be cautious with your heart.” I wish I knew how. I wish I knew how to spend time with someone for months and years and then decide whether you love him / her or not and simply walk away. Everyone else seems to be able to do that. Not this chicka, hell no.

I warn myself and tell myself to be cautious. I tell my heart I will not fall in love. Unfortunately, love is imprinted in my gene-pool and it happens in the blink of an eye.

I think I belong to an extinct species of being that is able to fall in love and give all of me, my time and effort and care an compassion and love and tears and joy – body, mind and soul – I give it all and time and time again I find myself lied to and cheated on.

My friend, I wish I knew how to love just a little enough to make it all fun, but I either care fully or not at all. I don’t know how to be cautious. I don’t know how to be with someone and not be 100% real. How do you do it?

So why does believing hurt? It hurts because I put everything in and expect no less back. It hurts because I never know whether I am the only one that feels that way. It hurts because I am always the one that stands there in the end asking what went wrong. It hurts because I don’t know if I will ever have the real deal. It hurts because I am a dumbass.

It hurts because I am tired of doing that dance with me, myself and I.  I don’t want to second guess and wonder anymore.  I don’t want to be cautious.  I want love and be loved wothout worry or doubt or fear, so I will be believe.

It hurts, yet still I will believe.

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Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. On a quest to find my happy-ever-after, I am in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you!

2 thoughts on “Dumb@ss I am, yet still I will believe”

  1. there is someone out there for you. this sounds nuts but (it works)…….stop looking for him. I know, I know……….but just stop. It’s always when you are not actively looking that your soul mate appears. stop texting, look up, smile at everyone you pass..say hello. these things work.

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