The itch is back…

I have had a lot of “Oooo, I wish I was more like that” moments lately.  I have been looking at people who can walk into a room and dazzle the crowd with a smile and a quirky remark and stood there envying them.  I saw people take to a new skill with such ease, they might as well have been doing it for years, while I slowly crawl along looking decidedly stupid, promising myself that I will get there sooner or later.

That, combined with the itch that has returned (bigger, bolder and stronger this time) plus some added uncertainty (which I absolutely, vehemently and passionately HATE) has left me feeling slightly frustrated and (yes, I am a girl so I am allowed to feel this way) sulky today.  Just to make sure that you don’t draw a conclusion based on an incorrect assumption: no, it is not PMS.

Then I saw this quote

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Seeing this made me realize that I have been so focussed on what I am not that the part of me that are valuable to offer had been pushed into a dark little corner.  I have personally been dimming the vibrant light of my own little star just because I have been focussing on what I am not.

Yes, I know I think too much, and yes, I know that I should just chillax (as Luke would put it) but it is so freaking difficult!

I should actually not at all be surprised about feeling this way.  I hate uncertainty.  Don’t misread this.  I don’t dislike it.  I don’t have a slight disinterest in it.

I HATE UNCERTAINTY.

I want to know where I am, where I am going, how I’m going to get there, who will be on the bus with me.  I want direction.  I want to be able to pinpoint certain points of reference to keep me anchored.  I want Black or White.  Unfortunately, at this stage of my life there are just so many loose ends that I want to tie up, so many questions I want to ask and so many dots I want to connect, that I don’t quite know where to start.

I suppose, at this point it is more a matter of impatience that is leaving me feel this way and it is frustrating me to no extend.  The worst part is that I am probably the only one in each of the respective situations, which currently makes up the zoo that is my life, which feels this way.  Should I move, should I stay, should I ask, should I shut up and watch, should I dig a bit deeper or leave it all on the surface.

I really am my own worst enemy!

Heck, even training is frustrating me at moment.  I took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu recently and it is a load of fun, but while the others flow across the floor in a gracious Komodo Dragon I lag behind looking like a very disabled and totally disoriented gecko.  Add to that the fact that I can’t go run every day because of the stupid wind and impatience sets in again because I don’t see the results that I had hoped to see by now.

Of one thing I am certain: there is not much that I am certain of at the moment and I predict a couple of big changes might be on the horizon in the near future, so watch this space.

Until then, I will try my hand and not thinking about who and what I am not, and instead just let me come out to play and there is a lot of playing to be done J

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Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. On a quest to find my happy-ever-after, I am in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you!

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