I need me some NZT

Children can sometime say something so insightful and wise beyond their years that it leaves you speechless. My 13-year-old came up with the following yesterday morning:

“OK Mom, I’m good to go.”

“Did you brush your teeth? Do you have all your books?  Have you made your bed?”

“Yes, yes and no. Really Mom, what’s the point of making my bed if I am just going to mess it up again tonight?  It’s fine like that.”

“Well, in that case, what’s the point of me doing the laundry or the dishes or mopping the floor?”

“Uuurgghh, Mom! Then you can also just say what’s the point of living if you’re just going to die?” (theatrically puts an imaginary gun to his head, tongue flopping out and eyes rolled back).  “You would have made a great lawyer or philosopher.  Yes Mom, you should have been a philosopher, always thinking up stuff.  I suppose it’s just easier to shut up and make my bed, hey?”

If only he knew how exhausting it really is…

matrix

I’ve been playing with the idea of gut feeling vs over thinking.

When you decide to apply for a new job, move to a different city, make a business decision, enter into a new relationship or decide to move on what do you base that decision on? For some it’s clear cut and easy – black or white, yes or no and for others it needs to be neatly laid out A to Z.  For some it’s adventurous to go into the unknown without an idea of what the future holds, while others need a sense of security before they can make such a bold move.

So, when you over think by nature, going with your gut can be rather scary. It’s just, well, I think somewhere in the wiring of my brain something has gone wrong and I no longer recognize the difference.  Or maybe I do, it’s just that my gut feeling gets stifled by the hundreds of questions that automatically pops up out of nowhere within seconds.  Why? What if? But also… give me a statement and I can come up with a question.  Or maybe I’m being tormented like this because I have ignored my gut feeling on so many occasions and got myself burned time after time.  When you enter into a relationship and you know it is all wrong for you, because you know where it is heading and you know how it’s going to end – that it is your gut telling you to run honey.  When you override that and get all stupid and googly eyes and start to reason with your gut, telling yourself all the reason why it could work and how those reasons are so much more important that the reasons why it can’t work and you go for it in any event – like a coke addict who just have to have one last line before he quits – that’s just stupid.  Eventually you get to a point where you gut try to speak up, but you start reasoning with it before it even has half a chance and then you’re back to square one in any event, which is sort of where I am now.  I question whether what I’m feeling is my gut telling me one thing or is it the result of my trust being broken so many times and the hurt that’s been caused in the past or is it something that I’m just scared to do because it’s unlike everything I’ve ever known.  Then I start to question whether I’m just on self-destruct mode because right now I don’t have my gut telling me not to do it and because my gut isn’t saying so and I’ve subconsciously trained myself to always ignore my gut and reason it out I am at the verge of once again messing this up and then before you know it you reach the point where you no longer know what is gut and what is irrational reasoning and what is the sanity that needs to prevail.  I need to get away, take some time out.

Is it bad to question everything? Not necessarily.  Do I like my uncanny ability to remember little things and put a puzzle together while others are blissfully unaware and then question it all?  Not necessarily.  It’s not something that I like to do, but it just happens.  Believe me, it is rather frustrating.  Especially when all you want to do is believe in a dream, hoping against hope, when you just want to hold on to that glimmer of something beautiful. Do I feel bad for questioning everything?  No I don’t.  I think I’ve earned the right to want to know where I stand.  I’ve been lied to and cheated on and deceived and conned way too many times so, with me, questions sort of comes with the territory.  Will everyone like it?  Heck no, that much I know.   I just wish there was an easier way to do it all.

As I’ve said before, I think being a Bimbo could be much easier… Perhaps I should try that, unless you can get me some NZT.  I need to get me some NZT!

NZT?  Anyone?  Nah, didn’t think so

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Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. On a quest to find my happy-ever-after, I am in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you!

1 thought on “I need me some NZT”

  1. Oi, you got me thinking too much now as well! I suppose love could be like having a pet. It is ALWAYS worth the heartache, even if you lose them eventually to something, even if it is to death by old age eventually. BUT the initial decision could be made rationally: Can I afford the pet food, vet’s fees – especially as pets do not make a financial contribution. Will they impact on my time and energy so much that I cannot do my job properly? Will they cause me so much heartache that my whole life will be set back and my family affected while I recover from that over a period of years? Can I really do something this stupid and live with myself? While the mind can take us through maze after maze if it is too critical, doubtful and judgmental, it can take us straight to the point if used for its true purpose: Clear judgment. I’ll never forget the fun quiz I did in a magazine once: Does he love you? One of the four options to every question was something in this vein – does he piss himself with joy when you get home from work (or does he hardly look up from his phone), does he do somersaults from excitement when you give him a specially prepared meal (or does he hardly say thank you), is he all over you just because (or do you have to work hard for his attention and appreciation), and so forth. The conclusion: If not, he does not love you – get a dog.

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