I think I might very well just have reached the emotional equivalent (or something similar).
So, as one or my regular readers pointed out, phobias are caused by overthinking as opposed to the phobias creating overthinking. I think it is a matter of which came first, the chicken or the egg, a vicious circle if you must. Whichever one it is, it has been established that I pretty much could write Overthinking for Dummies 101.
The cause and nature of tonight’s specific bout or overthinking, which is as yet to be determined, and the subsequent inability to sleep, has me pretty much fed-up. It is absolutely maddening. It equates more or less to a cartoon I saw on Facebook: “if you think walking a mile in my shoes are bad, try spending an hour in my head.” Yip, that’s it: frighteningly maddening. I am pretty sure that, for those who don’t know me, my posts of late might just come across as the crazed rambles of the nutcase down the road. You know, the one that lurks at you from behind dirty and torn curtains as you walk past their house; the one that children run from and grown ups ignore in broad daylight but whisper about at night. Yea, that’s what I sound like to myself at the moment. And guess what? I am quite positively hating every second of this. OK, that being said, let’s get back to where we started, Suzie Sidetrack.
Close your eyes and call up an image that, to you represents the ideal place to be in (mentally that is). Got it? For me, this place has lush green fields, sun shining down on dewdrops clinging to the blades of grass. Fresh, clear water trickles down the mountainside to be carried away by a river that flows peacefully over rocks that have been there for hundreds or years. Birds softly singing out, welcoming the new day completing the picture as you breath out. That is Nirvana man! That is where I wanna go!
While lying here in bed, trying my utmost to conjure up THAT place, I almost had to laugh when instead the image of me flopping around the inside of a washing machine came to me. Breath in air, swallow water, cough it up, get smacked on the nose with your grandpa’s dirty sock, swallow some water, spit it out, try to get your underwear of your head, get soap in your eye before swallowing some more water… And around and around we go – now you’re up gasping for air, then you’re down there, all sorts of dirty stuff getting shoved in every corner of your mind.
It is amazing how you can be doing normal everyday stuff the one minute and then someone says or does something so insignificant and small in their eyes and in your head everything screeches to a standstill. It only takes a second, but like numbers in the matrix a hundred questions pertaining to that one insignificant thing comes crashing down on you and floods your existence, gluing you to that one spot where you are at. Things carry on, but no matter how hard you try that one little thing keeps smacking you in the middle of your forehead. It’s like that toy car which accident ended up in the wash and with every turn it comes to smack, smack, smack, smack you in the head.
It carries on and on until you either drown or someone yanks open the door allowing you to tumble out, letting the water and dirt run away.
Am I questioning my sanity? No, just a girl anxiously waiting to see if I will drown or find the clarity I seek…