Musings from my bathroom floor

Turns out the things I needed to say was too little (or too much) too late. Hence, I now, once again, (and yes I don’t mind of you pause here to laugh – we all knew it was coming, for me it always comes down to this) in a little mess on the bathroom floor.  All of the big moments in my life seem to go down on my bathroom floor and I find myself hiding between the basin and the bath – hiding from the memories, the thoughts and emotions, the questions…  Perhaps I should think about making it cozier. Would it have made a difference if I had summoned up the guts to say it sooner?  No one knows and that, my friend, is probably the most agonizing part of situations like these: the questions that will remain for eternity unanswered.

bathroom floor

What is the worst part about going through a rough patch? For me it is all the motivational shit people through at you during those times in an effort to make you feel better.

“Hey hun, are you OK? Shame sweetie”  I mean seriously!?  Can you not hear the crack in my voice and see how the mascara has been streaked by tears?

“You are such a strong woman, don’t allow this to get you down” Well, I am not feeling particularly strong right now, but thanks for reminding me.  Whatever!  What if I don’t want to be strong anymore?  What if I am tired of being strong?

“This too shall pass” Really, can you promise me that? How do you know that?  Maybe this was the last straw for me, maybe this one will break the camel’s back.  If you know so well that this too shall pass, you must be able to see into the future.  Tell me then, what happens next?

“One day you will look back on this and laugh” This is one of my favourites.  So if you crash your car (you know, that one you’ve had your eye on since you left college and finally managed to finance and now treats it like the love of your life) into the back of an 18-wheeler, I should remind you that one day you will laugh about it.  No one has ever stopped to laugh about something that caused them great loss and heartache.

“Things can only get better from here” Again with the crystal ball.  What if this gaping hole where my heart used to sit gets to be so big that I can never pick up those pieces and fill that whole again?  What if the pain gets to be so bad that I decided I just don’t want to do this stupid game called life anymore?

“You are an amazing woman and you will be a true catch for some guy someday” What if for me there is no ‘some guy’?  What if for me there is no next time?  Maybe I should stop being my amazing self that has the uncanny ability to repel men.  Maybe I should just go through life pretending to be something that I am not and wanting the things that I don’t. That seems to be working very well for everyone else.

“You are much better of this way, you deserve so much better”  Really, so me being here hurting and frustrated with a million questions and insecurities running through my head is a better place for me to be in?  I never would have thought that possible.

“Just remember Jesus loves you” Well, now there is the deal breaker.  When God made me, He had a plan for my life.  He birthed in me this unquenchable want for a life partner, someone to share a life and dreams and hopes and memories and fears with.  Yet, He refuses to answer me or lead me to “The One”

Jesus can’t wrap His arms around me as I fall asleep. Can He?

I can’t call up Awesome in the middle of the day when things are going south and I need some support, can I?

I can’t put love and effort into a meal that I thought about and planned and prepared especially for Strong, can I?

What if I am tired of waiting for the someday when some great guy is going to come along and make all my dreams come true? What if I am at a point where I am tired of having to figure things out by myself?  What if I have lost hope and my dreams have become hazy behind all the tears?

I know it’s meant well, but it really does not help!!!

In fact, I would even go as far as saying that the only time ever that motivational quotes and books and stuff works, is when you are in a good place. Point in case?  It is easy for a Pastor to preach about prosperity and blessings and stuff, when he drives a state of the art BMW and lives in a mansion.  It becomes a little less easy to believe when you don’t know what you will be feeding your kids after church.  It is easy for someone to tell how that love still exists when he has just returned from an overseas holiday with his wife and children.  It becomes a little less easy when you reach the point where you finally understand that you are just unlovable and will never be.  It is easy to look at a quote and like and re-post it with a fist pump in the air, when you are high on life.  It becomes a little less easy when you are down and out and the mere sight of a quote like that makes you want to vomit after you have said “whatever”.

And to the guys…

With a hug you say sorry and goodbye and walk out my door, leaving me crumbling to the floor as all the energy drains from my body and my legs refuse to hold me upright for another second. You go home and carry on with your life as if nothing has changed, nothing even happened.  You carry on as if I was just a temporary blimp on your radar.  Are guys really that shallow?

Do you ever stop to think about the chaos left behind by your wave of destruction that swept through my life? Do you ever consider the fact that your actions have left me a little more hurt and broken then when you found me?  Do you even think about the fact that my dreams have become hazier and my perception of love and trust has once again been changed on a fundamental level by what you have said and done?  

I hope you do, and I hope you learn something from it, and I hope you decide to do things different the next time around.  Don’t leave another girl feeling the way you made feel please.

I know I have probably offended a couple of people with this. Let me say this:  if you are an offended one, please call me up next time the shit hits the fan in your life just so I can shove all this nonsense down your throat.  Then we debate the validity of my points again.  Agreed?

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Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. On a quest to find my happy-ever-after, I am in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you!

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