So, I’ve found the (so-claimed) equivalent of NZT 48. Only problem it’s on the Internet, in America. Now I’ve just got to find a doctor over here willing to give me some…
Seriously, I need something to gain some clarity.
A supposed “feel-good” movie last night opened a fresh Pandora’s box of wailing and sobbing and question upon question and that ridiculous monotone neon-light that keeps flashing “Alone, Alone, Alone” in front of my eyes every time I blink or pause to breathe. By 3 o’clock I was exhausted and reached for my Smartie Box with an assortment of medication. By 4 o’clock it was one Trepiline, one Ponstan pain-killer and two strong G&T’s later, but my brain was still running at a million miles an hour thoughts and ideas spilling out of me and Mission Self-Destruct going at full force. I’ve not slept yet…
My lounge floor this morning resembles a kindergarten art fair with endless list upon list highlighting and colouring the road map of all my past relationships. I’ve got it narrowed down to three categories:
The lost cases
The WTF went wrong cases and
The ever elusive case that is me
I’m none the wiser and it still makes no sense.
I need some real answers. I’m not talking about any Freudian Ghandi mambo jumbo that leaves you more confused than when you started, intent on making you think things through and see it from a different perspective.
I’m plenty confused and I am soooooooooooooooooooooo over thinking and trying to see it from a different perspective.
I need some Elizabeth Gilbert kind of insight into this situation. Unfortunately not all of us have the luxury or packing it all up and travelling for a year to find the answers. We have to work and keep it all together for the sake of our children, for the sake of our family who fret and worry about our state of mind. We have bills and responsibilities and things that need to get done. If I could go, where would I go? Spain for its passion and siestas, Israel (if God won’t come to me and answer my sobbing prayers, I will go there and find Him) and lastly Peru, don’t ask me why, I don’t know, there is just something about that place that draws me like a magnet.
Someone told me that I should really stop trying to understand, because I never will. It was said in that quiet Ghandi like tone resembling an ancient Chinese profit saying something stupid like “The eagle flaps it’s wings to soar not to float” and in my mind I could actually see the smoke the drifting up for his pipe disappearing into thin air.. It made me want to puke.
There is one little fact that I have to face and all my questions resound around that. I’ll give a lifetime of servitude to the person who can answer that.
I don’t want to know why this happened to me. I don’t want to know how many times I will have to go through this. I don’t want to know if there is a happy ever after for me.
What did I do wrong?
It’s such a simple little question. You see, for me it is as clear-cut as this. I am the common denominator in all of this. You can only fail at love so many times before you have to stop and start looking for the pattern. Establish the pattern and break away from that. But that is where I get stuck.
I have the lost cases, which I now (with the help of crayons and highlighters) can recognize as being doomed from the start.
I have the WTF went wrong cases, which is exactly that: WTF?!
I have me
So I we take the lost cases out of the equation we are left with the WTF’s and me. The WTF’s tells me I did nothing wrong and I am amazing and bla-bla-bla. But then WTF went wrong, so we are left with ME!
You see, if I cannot figure out where I went wrong, how could I even consider going into another relationship and give my all and try to do it right and attempt to trust and give my already battered and bruised and stitched up second-hand heart away again? That would just be a suicidal, irresponsible and downright stupid thing to do.
Yet, on the other hand, I am most definitely not ready to settle for the idea that I will grow old alone with a dog by my feet and the leaves dancing in the wind as I stare into the distance with hollow eyes that can cry no more. Honestly, shoot me please. Wait, hand me a gun I’ll do it myself.
So I’m back to NZT 48 or the human equivalent in the form of a Guru / Mentor / Wise Ass with real answers. Any takers for the job?