It’s all about Me!

So, I’ve come to know that it is time for me to do something for me. Not just a once-off something, a continual me-thing.

LIST

All my life I’ve done things for other people. I’ve put their wants and needs above my own.  So much so that, when (in my recent fragile state of mind) Sailor asked me what I wanted to do, I had no idea what it was that would make be happy / bring me pleasure.  I sat there KNOWING that I need to do something stupidly outrageous, something that would get me out of the funk I was in, but I had no idea what it was that I wanted.  My options varied between taking a backpack and heading into the mountains to going to Israel and work on a Kibbutz for a year and becoming a cocktail waitress at a holiday resort in Zanzibar.  I knew I needed to do something but I had no idea where to even start to figure out what it was that I wanted.  Doing something, for me, just because it’s what I wanted to do?  Get real!  It just feels so … wrong.

Let me just clarify something first. I’m not saying this in a “Poor Me Pitty Party” kind of way.  I love doing things for other people.  I live for it.  I find absolute bliss and satisfaction in seeing how much pleasure they get out of doing what they want.  I’ve just become so used to doing it that way, that I never stopped to consider what I wanted to do and what would make me happy.

{Note to self: Perhaps on some stupid irrational deep psychological level you don’t think you deserve to enjoy anything….  Just a thought for another day}

As I always do, I’ve made a list. Apart from the first one, which is a NOW thing (as in within the next week NOW), the rest have no specific order of importance – just a list of things that would give me pleasure.  (At this point I giggle with glee – and that is so not like me)

Some of them might sound stupid to you – the reader who has all their shit together. Some of them might sound overly ambitious.  I don’t care.  It’s my list.  It’s what I want.

I need to do something outrageous NOW.  It could be Shark Cage Diving or Paragliding or just getting dressed up for no reason whatsoever, go somewhere and have a big party – something different from what I do every day, something weird and outside the norm of what encompasses my life.  I’m working on a couple of ideas and I’m sure I will figure it out soon…

Make some friends (now for the readers who have their shit together, this one will be stupid, but bear with me).  I’m not talking about casual acquaintances.  I’m talking about real friends, people who have seen the best of you and the worst of you, people who you can call up at 3 in the morning when you are stuck in Put Sonder Water and you know you messed up but they will be there to bail you out (literally or figuratively).  You see, every time I go into a relationship I make friends.  Then, when it ends, I withdraw completely.  I stay away from the places we used to go to, I avoid the people I’ve met.  I just disappear from the scene altogether.  That’s wrong.  I need to make me some friends that are my friends.

Keep doing the things I love and start something new.  On the day Sailor and I broke up, I texted my Jiu Jitsu instructor to let him know I won’t be back.  (Part of the disappearing act above)  Well, I’m going back there.  I loved every second of it.  It was good for me.  I’m going back there.  And also, I’m taking up Latin dancing.  I’ve always said that in a previously life (if that sort of thing existed) I was of some Latin decent.  I’ve always wanted to learn the Tango and Samba and anything ballroom-like, but I’ve always said that I will wait until I can meet a partner willing to do it with me.  BS!!!  I’ve found Solo Latin Dancing classes just around the corner from my house and I start next week.  #Excited!!!

Go on holiday.  The one and only time in my adult life that I took a holiday was my honeymoon in January 1999.  That is 17 years ago!  I take leave every year, but I never go anywhere or do anything.  I live in the most beautiful country in the world and I never visit any of the amazing places that tourists pay thousands to see.  I will take myself on holiday.  Perhaps I will go to Spain or Israel or Peru.  Perhaps I will just go to Knysna.  Even if it is just a week in a place 2 hours from here, but it will be a holiday and it will be all about me.

Get a boob job.  My mom, my sister, my gran – every female in my family in fact – has boobs and they name them.  I mean, my mom has Deloris and Delilah (her set of DD-twin sisters).  They all have boobs.  Big boobs.  I got booty and brain.  I want me some boobs.  When I was pregnant with Luke I had the most amazing set of boobs and I just wanted to show them off (never did, but wanted to).  After he was born I went to a very normal, boring B-cup called Blertsie and Blapsie (there is unfortunately not a way to properly translate it to English to have the same effect, but think in the line of dab of toothpaste – never too much, just enough).  Now, thanks to weight loss (and age I suppose) I have regressed to a pitiful Aaah-shame.  I have no aspiration to get to where my mom’s at, that’s just way too much for me to handle, but a nice full B or small C will do.  I’m gonna get me some boobs.

Get another tattoo (and fix the one I’ve got – the one that was never supposed to be).  I know what it is, I have the picture.  It’s long overdue.  I’m going to get it done

I’m going to take up sailing.  Now this one sort of ties in with Do something outrageous, Start something new and Go on a Holiday.  But the plan is so outrageous and big and overly ambitious and just downright scary that I think it deserves a special place on my list.  This is a 3-part project with one major goal at the end.  I’ll tell you more as it progresses, but it’s going to be big.  I just figured that I’ve overcome this super irrational life-long fear I had of the water and I thoroughly enjoyed the sailing part.  So why not carry on with it?  Why not give it a special place in my life and make something big out of it?

That’s a list of 7 things – 7 things that would bring me joy, 7 things that are just about me and what I want.

It’s small, but it’s a start.

It’s my story, my life, my journey and I can’t wait for the next chapter.

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Author: nanuschka

I am a free spirit born in the Free State, 20 years to late. I am Ying and Yang. I am the girl next door who prefers daisies and peace rallies, but can just as easily rock at a rally. I love all things Latin and am sure that in my previous life (if that existed) I was Spanish. The dark side of me, however, tells me that I lived in Mother Russia. On a quest to find my happy-ever-after, I am in constant search of answers to all things that makes us human. What we do and, more importantly, why we do it. I hope you enjoy my rambles and would love to hear from you!

4 thoughts on “It’s all about Me!”

  1. I can’t keep up with you. A few days ago, when you posted all those “what ifs” and would accept no consolation from everybody who’ve been there, I thought “oh, what the fuck, she is overwhelmed at the moment and no words get through”. But I see the posts just keep coming and I realize this time it is different – she keeps writing. How wonderful! Here I am, reading again, saying “you go, girl!”

    1. Hahaha Susan! I don’t blame you, I don’t know how anyone kept up with me (I sure as hell wasn’t) especially Sailor. He was there every step of the way and managed to keep up. Don’t know how he did it, but he finally got through to me, and that man deserves a purple heart fro bravery under extremely volatile conditions or (at the very least, a decent size Bell’s or two).

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