Hello from the sunny shores of Zanzibar. Yip, I did it! I packed up and left for an unknown land. My days are filled with nothing more than cocktails on the beach and snorkeling the coral reefs, my evenings are filled with music and dancing by the fire while the stars hold watch over me and my mind, at last, have reached Shangri La. I wish you could be here to experience the serenity of it all.
Just kidding! It’s still just me and nothing much has changed. Well, actually, a lot has changed, a lot has happened and, you guessed it, there has been a lot of thinking.
I have been sort of at a loss for words. I’ve tried to write a hundred times in the past month but the words just wouldn’t come out right. It just didn’t make sense. So here I am, late at night unable to sleep, dreaming up dreams and writing again. On that note, if you are still here you deserve a Noddy badge after everything I’ve made you read during the past couple of months. I know it’s been pretty ugly, but it was raw and real and “me”. This is my space after all, not true? Well done for sticking around and thank you, by the way.
I’ve learned a lot in the last four weeks. It has been interesting and fun and exhilarating and painful. I’ve made some new friends, some much closer than others, but have lost some who were not prepared to stick around to see where my journey will lead. There has been camping and training (not enough) and one kick-ass 80’s party and laughing and crying and kissing and talking (not to mention a Mexican party coming up this weekend). More talking than thinking and more laughing than crying.
Thinking, now there is one of the things I am forcing myself to do less of. I think you can all agree that I think way too much. And when I say “way too much” I mean seriously OCD way too much. I’ve come to realize that I start thinking about a little thing and then obsess about it to the point where it stretches the fabric of my sanity to a point of elasticity as yet unknown to all of science. I really need to stop doing that!
At the start of the year I adopted the quote Que Sera Sera as my motto for the year and promptly through that overboard the moment the Universe took my statement that “I am ready for whatever comes my way” seriously and things went serious pear-shaped. I am refocusing on that, telling myself every day Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be.
Note to reader: I am not disputing the fact that I might just need to be reminded of this at some point in the future, so please feel free to do so when the time seems right.
I’ve come to learn that regardless of how much effort I put in or how hard I try or what I do or say or think, regardless of all of that, I do not control either my destiny nor that of others. I cannot, in a million years, make things work out the way I want it to. I cannot, in a million years, make things different from what it is going to be. It is all a matter of Que Sera Sera. All I can do is to embrace that every day, be the best me that I can possibly be and learn, learn, learn – never stop learning. Don’t think, just do. Nike it! Life, just do it!
I’ve learned that the best medicine for a serious case of the blues is exercise and, just so you know, laying off the juice helps a great deal too.
I’ve had intimate and first-hand experience of the workings of a bruised male ego – not a pretty sight. I’ve come to understand that hell truly has no fury like a woman scorned – an even less pretty sight.
I saw the following quote and realized that I was lying to myself when I said Adios Dulce Amor. I could never do that. I could never not believe in the power of something so sweet. I could never stop myself from falling with all that I am into the roller coaster of emotion that goes with. Perhaps that is why I could never become a professional poker player. I put all my chips on the table with the hand that is dealt me. Is that not what it means to live life to the full? What is the use of doing life if you are not going to go all in? If I am going to live my life afraid of what the consequences will be, questioning and debating everything that comes my way, I might as well stop now. Yes, there is the risk of failing or getting hurt, but there is also the risk of dying every day I get out of bed and head out to work, not true?
So, for now, I will embrace Que Sera Sera with every day that I greet and enjoy what comes my way instead of obsessing about the what if’s and why’s and why not’s. If the past couple of months have taught me anything, it is that regardless of how much I obsess, I cannot change the outcome, so I might as well enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I still harbor the hope of everything that I have always dreamt of, but (and this is probably the most important think that I have learned) I cannot make it be so, it will happen when it’s supposed to in a manner which I cannot determine. The Universe still holds a surprise or two for every one of us.
All we can do is say “Que Sera Sera” and enjoy the ride.